- Identify the refusal cause: fear, medical, or disagreement
- Find external help that your parent trusts
- Start with small requests that are easier to accept
- Consider guardianship only as the last resort
Your parent refuses to accept help, even if their living situation proves otherwise, because of one of these 3 causes: fear, their medical condition, and stubbornness or disagreement about the solutions you suggest.
This guide aims to help you understand how to deal with aging parents who refuse help. You will find practical explanations and solutions.
How to Deal With Aging Parents Who Refuse Help: The Refusal
As we mentioned above, there are 3 situations that lead to refusal.
- Fear. There is a whole mechanism behind it. Accepting help at the smallest level of decline feels like the first step towards losing their independence and switching to assisted living. The fear becomes even stronger if there is a neighbor or family member who needed help with cleaning and, within months, he was moving out, and the house was on sale. This means that your parent is not fearing the housekeeping, but what it will lead to once they give up control.
- Medical conditions. Serious medical conditions like dementia or Alzheimer’s disease come with denial and total conviction that something never happened. So, if your parent left the burner on, or left the house and went missing for hours, they will not remember it happening. Their brain perceives things differently. The National Institute of Health shows that about 81% of people with Alzheimer’s disease and 60% of people with dementia or a certain level of cognitive impairment develop this memory decline. It is called anosognosia.
- Disagreement. This means that your parent doesn’t like the idea of spending money on certain services, or they value their privacy more than you think, even if they are 82. If you sit down and listen to their complaints calmly, you can find the middle ground more easily.
If you want to learn how to deal with aging parents who refuse help, you need to take a closer look at the whole picture:
- Does your parent refuse to accept their current health situation?
- Are they uncomfortable with the solution you offered?
The Power of the Third Party
When your parent is set on a refusal, no matter how many times you explained a situation, there is a high chance they still see you as their little child. This is why they don’t take into account what you tell them, no matter the explanations. Don’t take this personally. It will lead to more disagreements.
This is when you can introduce a third party. It needs to be someone with authority and someone they trust. For example, if your 82-year-old parent is driving but you notice that it is no longer safe, your explanations may mean nothing. If a doctor presents the risks and tells them to stop, there is a high chance they will do it willingly.
Here are some free and paid ideas that can help you understand how to deal with aging parents who refuse help:
- Free: Your parent’s Area Agency of Aging can assign a social worker to do home assessments. There are also hospital discharge planners and physician office social workers.
- Paid: An Aging Life Care Professional, meaning a licensed nurse who assesses the situation and develops a care plan. The initial assessment is between $300 and $800, while the ongoing work is between $125 to $200 per hour.
Starting with Small Requests
When you look for advice on how to deal with aging parents who refuse help, you’ll see that most people recommend patience. While it is true, what truly helps is to start with small requests. When you tell your parent that starting from tomorrow they will receive help around the house, the first thing they’ll think about is losing their independence.
But if you tell them that starting from Monday this person will come to change sheets, do laundry, and clean the house, and that you will reassess it together in 4 weeks, there are higher chances of success. This is because this doesn’t sound like permanent change, but testing something and being able to accept or refuse.
Legal Matters
An adult is allowed to live in a cluttered house, eat badly, or refuse aid. This is not illegal. If you need power of attorney, you need a doctor to evaluate your health. The Adult Protective Services accept reports about self-neglect.
Guardianship exists, but should be considered as a last resort. It’s important to talk to an elder law attorney before you go on this route.
Conclusion
Learning how to deal with aging parents who refuse help can make the difference between a definite no and maybe. Take time to explain and remember to start with small steps. Go for a gain at a time rather than the final goal. Once your parents understand your point of view, everything becomes easier.
