- Start by bringing up the topic, but don’t force it
- Share your fears related to their health
- Present them the costs in a realistic manner
- Let them choose the best options for them
- Smoothen the transition by guiding and supporting them
Talking to aging parents about assisted living is one of the hardest discussions for adult kids. It makes you feel like you are abandoning your parents. However, juggling between taking care of them, your own family, and work is not something you can do for a long time.
There is, however, an easier way to do it. That’s by allowing your parents to be in charge of the discussion and decisions. And the only way to do it is to have this conversation while your parents are still ok.
How Timing Matters when Talking to Aging Parents about Assisted Living
Approximately 70% of people over 65 will need some sort of long-term care at some point in their lives. This means that the more you postpone talking to aging parents about assisted living, the higher the chances of not being able to have it at all. Or at least, not in the condition where your parents are in charge.
If, for example, one of your parents falls in the middle of the night and the injury is pretty serious, the decisions you will make from this point on will be based on this emergency. Your parent will no longer be able to decide where to go. You will be in charge of the next steps, and all they can do is comply.
How to Start the Conversation
The best way to bring “assisted living” into a conversation is to not mention it at all. These words seem threatening. And, in most cases, they shut down any talk before it begins. For most elders, they trigger fears like:
- losing their home and independence;
- sharing rooms with people they don’t know;
- living in nursing homes that feel cold and hospital-like.
You can avoid the “no” by talking about their daily chores and health. This way, the talk will evolve naturally to the point where they will start to think about what they will do once their health declines.
It’s important not to push the conversation too much and stop it if you see they are not comfortable. Arguing will only block future talks.
Allow Yourself to Be Vulnerable
A good way to keep your parents engaged in the conversation is to switch the focus from them to you. And this means that you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your fears. You can tell them that you cannot sleep at night thinking about their health and what would happen if they fell.
You can also bring numbers to the table:
- Home health aide: $77,800 / year;
- Assisted living: $6,200 / month.
This way is easier for them to evaluate and decide. Once you manage to get past the initial “no”, it will be easier for them to agree to discuss and make plans.
Give Your Parents Total Control
Your role in the discussion stops the moment your parents agree to make some arrangements. From this point on, they are the ones to decide. You need to make sure you guide them through the process.
Control means helping them decide how much support to add while they are at home (like using the Parents are OK app that shows you whether your parents were active on the phone or not), or when they will move.
What Happens After The Parents Move?
Now, there is another step that many people tend to ignore: what happens after your parents move? For most of the time, this will lead to endless calls and complaints. Nothing will make them feel comfortable. Most of these complaints will go away with time, but in order for this to happen, you need to be patient and prepared.
Let them vent at the beginning without turning it into a habit. If you see that the situation does not improve, you can remind them of the importance of time. You can allow them to talk about what they don’t like for the first 5 minutes, then slowly move the focus to something else, preferably positive.
Conclusion
Talking to aging parents about assisted living is hard, but you need to do it at some point. If you postpone it too much, you may end up with a situation where you need to decide on their behalf, and neither of you will be comfortable
Once you bring this topic to the table, you can slowly add more details. Let your parents get used to the idea and don’t force anything. Once all of you are comfortable, you can even visit some nursing homes and allow them to choose.
